Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Things are sweet.
I feel so much better on the testosterone. It practically was a magic wand. The growth of my penis has been incredible. At its most erect it is about 4.5 inches, which for the amount of time I have been on T and for starting with a clitoris is amazing! I still have about 5 more years of growth to enjoy. If I were able to get it released from the labia, which eventually I am going to do, I would be protruding about 3 inches soft.
When it gets completely erect my mind is blown at how good it looks and feels. I knew I was going to have good growth but I didnt expect it to be this fast. I can now understand why a man's cock is his most prized possession and the one he honestly wants to talk about the most, even though he doesn't.
Not only am I getting good length but the width and girth is great. I could not be more happier with my cock. I am damn proud of it and I have never been more sexually satisfied up till now. I havent used it much with another person yet, but I want the first woman I have intercourse with to be special. It will be almost like I am losing my virginity all over again and I can't wait. I all ready know what intercourse feels like with my cock. I invented a smaller version of a male "pocket pussy" to fuck. It feels so good. I definitely know why straight guys crave pussy because that warm, soft, wet feeling inside the woman that you love has got to be the best drug on the planet (besides the all pervasive love of divine mother and the god within of course).
I have to be very careful and selective about who I sleep with. Right now there is not a condom that will fit on my cock, only because it is still attached to the labia. There are other coverings I can use but the safety of them in protecting me from STD's is in question. Someday I hope to invent all kinds of products for the Transgendered Male. I have all ready invented a pocket pussy and a stand to pee device, both are being developed for production as I write this.
I feel so much better as a male. I was born transgendered and this is the second lifetime in a row I was born this way, but that is another story for another post on another day.
peace-
michael sigfried
When it gets completely erect my mind is blown at how good it looks and feels. I knew I was going to have good growth but I didnt expect it to be this fast. I can now understand why a man's cock is his most prized possession and the one he honestly wants to talk about the most, even though he doesn't.
Not only am I getting good length but the width and girth is great. I could not be more happier with my cock. I am damn proud of it and I have never been more sexually satisfied up till now. I havent used it much with another person yet, but I want the first woman I have intercourse with to be special. It will be almost like I am losing my virginity all over again and I can't wait. I all ready know what intercourse feels like with my cock. I invented a smaller version of a male "pocket pussy" to fuck. It feels so good. I definitely know why straight guys crave pussy because that warm, soft, wet feeling inside the woman that you love has got to be the best drug on the planet (besides the all pervasive love of divine mother and the god within of course).
I have to be very careful and selective about who I sleep with. Right now there is not a condom that will fit on my cock, only because it is still attached to the labia. There are other coverings I can use but the safety of them in protecting me from STD's is in question. Someday I hope to invent all kinds of products for the Transgendered Male. I have all ready invented a pocket pussy and a stand to pee device, both are being developed for production as I write this.
I feel so much better as a male. I was born transgendered and this is the second lifetime in a row I was born this way, but that is another story for another post on another day.
peace-
michael sigfried
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Growth of my penis.
For those that do not know, when you take testosterone what was once a clitoris becomes a small sized penis. If you look at the head of a clitoris, you can see that it looks like the head of a penis. This is because when we are in our mothers fetus and our sex is chosen, a male will grow a penis and the female will have their penis stay the same size and become a clitoris.
The clitoris is the only organ on any human being that is specifically for sexual pleasure. A biological male's penis is not just for orgasm, it is also used for urination and reproduction.
I always had a big clitoris, it was always my sexual claim to fame. I had always wanted it to be a little bit bigger so I could stoke it and jack it off. Before testosterone I could not stroke it, but now is a different story.
An FTM's penis grows over a period of several years of taking hormones. Some get really big, some do not. It all depends on the size of the clit to start with and how their body reacts to the testosterone. I have to admit for only being on testosterone for 10 months, my dick or dicklit is huge. It is bigger than some guys that have been on testosterone for 11 years and it will only get bigger. I am looking forward to a good sized small penis that can penetrate if only a little bit.
My dick is so big that I can now stroke it and "jack it off". It feels amazing because it acts and reacts like a penis, but has the stamina of a clitoris. It is only for sexual gratification and it can go a long way a long time. Now I know that some people might be embarrassed about this blog post, but it is time we stopped treated sex taboo and explored being open and honest about it. We all have a lot of healing to do when it comes down to our sexual energies. We have abused it and it has been abused countless times for some people.
I feel so amazing. Even though I still have PTSD and a trunk full of issues, I feel 90 percent better than I did a year ago. I look 100 percent better. As soon as I get a recent picture of myself I will post it. I have lost a lot of weight. My waist is now a 36 again, with 34 being my normal size. My face keeps changing and I have to admit I look better and younger than most other transguys my age. I look like a hot 25 year old male. When I get my top surgery, I swear I will look like a male model.
Even without the top surgery I still pass, more and more each day. Where now unless I say please let me in the female bathroom, I automatically get let into the male bathroom. I think this is pretty damn cool.
Anyway I know there are some of you out there that are really interested to see what my penis looks like. So I uploaded 5 recent pictures for you to download in zip format.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/qwzisy
These are pictures of it semi hard, sticking out of my army shorts. They are not too graphic and you cant see the whole enchilada. Let me know what you think if you look at them. It is a little bit bigger than what you can see in these pictures. I just did not want it to seem to graphic and give away all my secrets. I am not embarrassed at all. I love my little cock, it really rules!
The clitoris is the only organ on any human being that is specifically for sexual pleasure. A biological male's penis is not just for orgasm, it is also used for urination and reproduction.
I always had a big clitoris, it was always my sexual claim to fame. I had always wanted it to be a little bit bigger so I could stoke it and jack it off. Before testosterone I could not stroke it, but now is a different story.
An FTM's penis grows over a period of several years of taking hormones. Some get really big, some do not. It all depends on the size of the clit to start with and how their body reacts to the testosterone. I have to admit for only being on testosterone for 10 months, my dick or dicklit is huge. It is bigger than some guys that have been on testosterone for 11 years and it will only get bigger. I am looking forward to a good sized small penis that can penetrate if only a little bit.
My dick is so big that I can now stroke it and "jack it off". It feels amazing because it acts and reacts like a penis, but has the stamina of a clitoris. It is only for sexual gratification and it can go a long way a long time. Now I know that some people might be embarrassed about this blog post, but it is time we stopped treated sex taboo and explored being open and honest about it. We all have a lot of healing to do when it comes down to our sexual energies. We have abused it and it has been abused countless times for some people.
I feel so amazing. Even though I still have PTSD and a trunk full of issues, I feel 90 percent better than I did a year ago. I look 100 percent better. As soon as I get a recent picture of myself I will post it. I have lost a lot of weight. My waist is now a 36 again, with 34 being my normal size. My face keeps changing and I have to admit I look better and younger than most other transguys my age. I look like a hot 25 year old male. When I get my top surgery, I swear I will look like a male model.
Even without the top surgery I still pass, more and more each day. Where now unless I say please let me in the female bathroom, I automatically get let into the male bathroom. I think this is pretty damn cool.
Anyway I know there are some of you out there that are really interested to see what my penis looks like. So I uploaded 5 recent pictures for you to download in zip format.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/qwzisy
These are pictures of it semi hard, sticking out of my army shorts. They are not too graphic and you cant see the whole enchilada. Let me know what you think if you look at them. It is a little bit bigger than what you can see in these pictures. I just did not want it to seem to graphic and give away all my secrets. I am not embarrassed at all. I love my little cock, it really rules!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and brain damage.
So for the past few weeks I have been suffering from my PTSD really bad. Not only have I been unusually depressed but for the first time since I started taking testosterone I was terribly suicidal last week.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Being Transgendered 3 part video series
Being Transgendered, a 3 part video series where I talk about what being transgendered is like for me. Series is 21 minutes long, broken up into 7 minute parts.
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBQ66bxRXdY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR2_fXQdPR8
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBQ66bxRXdY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR2_fXQdPR8
I thought things would change.
Even though I started my transition at 36 and I feel a lot better and more normal with the correct amount and type of hormones, the mistakes I made in the past because of being transgendered and not understanding it will NEVER go away.
I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.
I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.
I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.
I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Being Transgendered Part 1
Part 1 of a 3 video series I made explaining why I am who I am. Please watch and share to those that may be interested. To leave a comment on the video, please go to this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Saturday, June 6, 2009
7 months.
It has now been 7 months since I started T and I have yet to get any bad side effects. As a matter of fact the testosterone has seem to calm me down instead of amp me up. It is having the same calming, self assured effect on me that heroin did. I truly believe I am different in a lot ways. Having a almost non existent estrogen level to begin with and a high testosterone level is making my transition a lot easier.
My voice has definitely changed and I lost my high pitched yell that has been so common in 100's of hardcore and punk shows. But I noticed my singing voice sounds awesome. Crisp, clear and loud! I am sure it still is in the process of changing but now when I go out many people mistake me for a male right away and dont believe me that my name is Kimberly. An elderly lady freaked out in me in the grocery store bathroom. She thought I belonged in the male bathroom. I just laughed and took a piss.
With my binder on almost everyone that doesn't know me assumes I am male. My face has changed and squared off and my voice is deeper. When I just wear a bra, only some people assume I am male. My chest is pretty big. I definitely look good. The hair on my face, legs and arms is thicker. I have shaved my face everyday since 2001 because of my high testosterone level I had a lot of facial hair. So I all ready shave everyday so the growth on my face isnt something shocking. I am not a beard guy anyway.
I also noticed that other males pick up on my testosterone and sometimes want to fight me. This has happened 3 times in the past months. Some dude will start with me in a store or just out and about. usually it was nothing I did directly. When I was just a female, this never happened. No guy would really want to fight a girl unless they had a good reason. Its funny how we project our hormones onto each other. Weird how males get testy around each other. It is very interesting changing sexes. I think people like me know more about the way things are then most people. I could be wrong but we definitely have a special perspective on life.
I am definitely a lot happier finally being able to cure my dis-ease. I still have a way to go yet. i am grateful for the opportunity. I would have done this two years ago but being on TV made me delay my decision.
My voice has definitely changed and I lost my high pitched yell that has been so common in 100's of hardcore and punk shows. But I noticed my singing voice sounds awesome. Crisp, clear and loud! I am sure it still is in the process of changing but now when I go out many people mistake me for a male right away and dont believe me that my name is Kimberly. An elderly lady freaked out in me in the grocery store bathroom. She thought I belonged in the male bathroom. I just laughed and took a piss.
With my binder on almost everyone that doesn't know me assumes I am male. My face has changed and squared off and my voice is deeper. When I just wear a bra, only some people assume I am male. My chest is pretty big. I definitely look good. The hair on my face, legs and arms is thicker. I have shaved my face everyday since 2001 because of my high testosterone level I had a lot of facial hair. So I all ready shave everyday so the growth on my face isnt something shocking. I am not a beard guy anyway.
I also noticed that other males pick up on my testosterone and sometimes want to fight me. This has happened 3 times in the past months. Some dude will start with me in a store or just out and about. usually it was nothing I did directly. When I was just a female, this never happened. No guy would really want to fight a girl unless they had a good reason. Its funny how we project our hormones onto each other. Weird how males get testy around each other. It is very interesting changing sexes. I think people like me know more about the way things are then most people. I could be wrong but we definitely have a special perspective on life.
I am definitely a lot happier finally being able to cure my dis-ease. I still have a way to go yet. i am grateful for the opportunity. I would have done this two years ago but being on TV made me delay my decision.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Finally an Update!
Well it has been 4 and a half months since I started taking Testosterone. I feel great. I am slowly becoming more confident and feel a little bit better socially. Having the correct amount of hormones is very important for everyone. When they get out of whack, it gets harder to function normally as a part of society. I have suffered my whole life because of my extreme hormonal imbalance that went undiagnosed for years. Being transgendered is something that you cannot help. It is a Dis-Ease that needs to be treated. If only I could have been honest about my problem and got treatment 18 years ago, I probably would not have made the same mistakes and I definitely would not have become a drug addict.
Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.
But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.
The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.
The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.
My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.
In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.
I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.
thanks for reading.
Mikethepunk
Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.
But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.
The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.
The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.
My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.
In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.
I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.
thanks for reading.
Mikethepunk
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Can't Hardly Wait.
Thanks to the few people that are following this blog! It means more to me than you could ever know!
I take my second shot of testosterone on Dec. 19th. I can't hardly wait until that day. Ironically, that is the day I arrive in CT after a 3 and a half day train ride from Seattle to Chicago and then from Chicago to New York, from there my Dad picks me up and drives me to CT.
I made so many mistakes in my life with the person that I love because of my hormonal imbalance and my lack of understanding of my transgendered body. I was only 20/21 when I made these mistakes. Too young to fall in love the way I did. This was some intense love because not only was I in love with this woman, but she and I had a creative partnership with film and TV that I have yet to ever find again. I highly doubt that I will ever find someone like her again. This person and I go so deep that before I even had an understanding of past lives-she saw them and my days with her were filled with intense deja vue. The pain of my mistakes has haunted me for 15 years and even though these mistakes were not that bad, this person refuses to even give me the time of day, let alone talk to me about what happened between us. I left New York to get clean and when I left NYC, I left her unknowingly. The pain of this, is almost too much to bear.
I can only hope that my transition helps me finally get over the pain and loss I feel by finally being able to be the man that I am. As i said before because of my hormonal imbalance I have not been able to function emotionally or sexually with another person. Maybe, just maybe after the T kicks in more-I will feel better about what happened and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone else to love. But my love for this person is so intense that I doubt that I could ever love another person without being fake about it. I truly, truly am stuck.
It is going to feel good taking my testosterone in the house I grew up in. It was in this house, at around 7 years old, that I use to cry about not being a boy. My parents do not know yet about my transition but one of my sisters does. Although they know that I am taking hormones, they just don't know what kind. It is going to be hard not telling them about it for the 2 weeks I am there. The name Michael Sigfried that I am taking, is the one my parents were going to give me if I was born in the right body. My dad's name is Sigfried (Ziggy for short). On my email address I changed the name to Michael Sigfried and I have emailed them a ton of times from that address, so i am sure they might have an idea because I am sure they did not forget about that name. I guess I will find out how much they know when I get there. But it doesn't matter to me if they refuse to accept my transition. I am 36 years old, this is what I HAVE to do in order to live. As it is they held me back from loving myself through out my twenties due to their hate for me and the way I live my life. They have changed a bit since then, but there is still that lack of understanding about why I am the way i am. Hopefully someday I can explain to them why I am the way I am. I know my mom will understand, but my Dad is another story. I really want to tell them though and knowing me over this vacation I probably will tell them because I love myself now and it is important to me.
I really, really, really need my top surgery. Until I have these HUGE breasts removed, it is hard for me to go forward as a man. The day these boobs are gone is the day true liberation starts for me. I am praying to divine mother that she allow me the funds to do this. I have had enough suffering in my life that it is the least she can do for me. At least then I can live the life I was born to live.
I pray and I pray for the testosterone to help me with all my pain. Thy will be done.
Thanks for reading-
Michael
I take my second shot of testosterone on Dec. 19th. I can't hardly wait until that day. Ironically, that is the day I arrive in CT after a 3 and a half day train ride from Seattle to Chicago and then from Chicago to New York, from there my Dad picks me up and drives me to CT.
I made so many mistakes in my life with the person that I love because of my hormonal imbalance and my lack of understanding of my transgendered body. I was only 20/21 when I made these mistakes. Too young to fall in love the way I did. This was some intense love because not only was I in love with this woman, but she and I had a creative partnership with film and TV that I have yet to ever find again. I highly doubt that I will ever find someone like her again. This person and I go so deep that before I even had an understanding of past lives-she saw them and my days with her were filled with intense deja vue. The pain of my mistakes has haunted me for 15 years and even though these mistakes were not that bad, this person refuses to even give me the time of day, let alone talk to me about what happened between us. I left New York to get clean and when I left NYC, I left her unknowingly. The pain of this, is almost too much to bear.
I can only hope that my transition helps me finally get over the pain and loss I feel by finally being able to be the man that I am. As i said before because of my hormonal imbalance I have not been able to function emotionally or sexually with another person. Maybe, just maybe after the T kicks in more-I will feel better about what happened and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone else to love. But my love for this person is so intense that I doubt that I could ever love another person without being fake about it. I truly, truly am stuck.
It is going to feel good taking my testosterone in the house I grew up in. It was in this house, at around 7 years old, that I use to cry about not being a boy. My parents do not know yet about my transition but one of my sisters does. Although they know that I am taking hormones, they just don't know what kind. It is going to be hard not telling them about it for the 2 weeks I am there. The name Michael Sigfried that I am taking, is the one my parents were going to give me if I was born in the right body. My dad's name is Sigfried (Ziggy for short). On my email address I changed the name to Michael Sigfried and I have emailed them a ton of times from that address, so i am sure they might have an idea because I am sure they did not forget about that name. I guess I will find out how much they know when I get there. But it doesn't matter to me if they refuse to accept my transition. I am 36 years old, this is what I HAVE to do in order to live. As it is they held me back from loving myself through out my twenties due to their hate for me and the way I live my life. They have changed a bit since then, but there is still that lack of understanding about why I am the way i am. Hopefully someday I can explain to them why I am the way I am. I know my mom will understand, but my Dad is another story. I really want to tell them though and knowing me over this vacation I probably will tell them because I love myself now and it is important to me.
I really, really, really need my top surgery. Until I have these HUGE breasts removed, it is hard for me to go forward as a man. The day these boobs are gone is the day true liberation starts for me. I am praying to divine mother that she allow me the funds to do this. I have had enough suffering in my life that it is the least she can do for me. At least then I can live the life I was born to live.
I pray and I pray for the testosterone to help me with all my pain. Thy will be done.
Thanks for reading-
Michael
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Hmmm.
So it seems like any difference I felt within the first few days of taking my shot have slowed down a bit. I guess its true that the changes will not happen over night. I can understand my impatience with the situation though because it has been since I was about 7 that I craved to be a boy. Time flies by fast. The past 4 years I have been in Seattle have just flown by, which means that the next four years will fly by also, but I am so afraid that within these next 4 years that I am going to be alone. I cannot really handle being alone for much longer.
I have not been in a relationship since July of 2005. Even that relationship only lasted about 3 months, if that. The last time I had sex with a woman was in July of 2005. Before that my only other relationship I was ever in lasted from 1999-2002. From 2002-2005 I did not have sex with a woman. I seem to go periods of 3 years without sex. It is really painful. I need to be with someone. I need to feel like a whole and complete person. Sex for me is something I cannot just do without feeling some kind of connection with the person. I wish I could just go to the lesbian bar, pick up a chic and get laid, but I cannot do that. Maybe the Testosterone will help me with this, but not overnight. Although I wish I could just wave a magic wand over my head to fix my finickiness but there is not any magic wand on the planet, except for one and she doesn't want to use it on me.
Hmmm.
I have not been in a relationship since July of 2005. Even that relationship only lasted about 3 months, if that. The last time I had sex with a woman was in July of 2005. Before that my only other relationship I was ever in lasted from 1999-2002. From 2002-2005 I did not have sex with a woman. I seem to go periods of 3 years without sex. It is really painful. I need to be with someone. I need to feel like a whole and complete person. Sex for me is something I cannot just do without feeling some kind of connection with the person. I wish I could just go to the lesbian bar, pick up a chic and get laid, but I cannot do that. Maybe the Testosterone will help me with this, but not overnight. Although I wish I could just wave a magic wand over my head to fix my finickiness but there is not any magic wand on the planet, except for one and she doesn't want to use it on me.
Hmmm.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Appetite.
I have noticed that my appetite has gone down since I took my first shot of testosterone. This is a blessing I did not know I was going to get. My appetite at night is really strong. I wake up hungry like the wolf! This is part of the reason I am still over-weight because I am not hungry during the day but in the middle of the night. Well since I have taken my first shot of T, that out of control nighttime hunger has disappeared! I am so grateful and I have already lost a few pounds since Friday Dec. 5th 2008.
I also have a lot more energy. I all ready feel better after only my first shot. The future looks good-finally! I take my next shot on Dec. 19th. That is the day i arrive in CT. I get to shoot up twice while I am there since I will be there for 3 weeks. It is going to feel really good becoming Michael at my parents house, the house I grew up in. This XMAS vacation should be the best one since I moved to Seattle. I leave on Dec 16th and return to Seattle on Jan 9th 2009. I will also be visiting NYC from Dec 27th-29th. I am really stoked for my life....finally!
Thanks for reading-
Michael
I also have a lot more energy. I all ready feel better after only my first shot. The future looks good-finally! I take my next shot on Dec. 19th. That is the day i arrive in CT. I get to shoot up twice while I am there since I will be there for 3 weeks. It is going to feel really good becoming Michael at my parents house, the house I grew up in. This XMAS vacation should be the best one since I moved to Seattle. I leave on Dec 16th and return to Seattle on Jan 9th 2009. I will also be visiting NYC from Dec 27th-29th. I am really stoked for my life....finally!
Thanks for reading-
Michael
Monday, December 8, 2008
The Ride of Transition.
I have heard many times that taking Testosterone and transitioning is one helluva ride. I would definitely have to agree with that. It is definitely a "ride". Yesterday, on Sunday, I took a trip in my car to do a little bit of food shopping. On the way there I felt really different. I am starting to feel like the man that I am. All of a sudden i feel very energized, confident, strong and sexual, very sexual. They say that taking T makes you very horny. Well it makes sense because all it is doing is making my brain male and less female I definitely feel less emotional. Things that have been really hurting me are still there, but there is not as much emotion attached to it. Which is a really good thing. I definitely feel more balanced and stronger-mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.
They also say that some guys that take T become aggressive and angry-well I can feel why those guys that have not been working on their issues would have this problem. There is an intensity that is hard to describe, but I am sure it is how bio guys feel most of the time. I have worked on my anger issues for a long time. As a matter of fact, I conquered that demon years ago. As a matter of fact I have not gotten angry in a long time and I have never, ever been violent at all. As a matter of fact I deplore all kinds of violence. Gandhi is one of my heroes. So because I have worked on these issues and because I am all ready starting off with non functioning female organs and hormones, that side effect will and should not effect me. The Testosterone doesn't have to fight with my estrogen since my estrogen is almost non-existent. Therefore making my transition a lot easier.
For those that think that my body will not become male, you need to look into the science of it. Scientists in testing their theory that injecting hormones can change your sex took a bunch of chickens and gave them injections of Testosterone over a long period. Every single one of them turned into a rooster. Everything became male in their body, mind and tiny brain. The only thing about the chickens that was still female was their inner organs, which stopped working but were still there. If you look at pictures of the many, many handsome FTM's (Female to Male) out there, you could never, ever tell that they were at one time female. The difference is astounding! I happen to believe that a Transguy is a better lover, friend and mate than a bio guy. Mostly because of the fact that transguys will always be tapped into their feminine side and have complete understanding with their female partners. Biological Males cannot have that deep understanding with females that transguys have. I happen to believe that FTM's are truly the best of both worlds. I know how to hit the G Spot, I know about the ridges of love just beneath the G Spot and I know how to make a clitoris dance with slow rolling orgasms all night. Bi-sexual women should be all about being with a transguy. Plus with our dicks you cannot get pregnant. If people saw how amazing it is to see a clitoris turn into a dick, they would understand why being an FTM is so awesome! There are pictures posted across the web, but mostly for other FTM's benefit and learning, but if anyone out there wants to see what a clitoris on T looks like, feel free to hit me up and I will send you some pictures.
Since I am starting off with a HUGE clit, my growth should be much like this picture, of course all guys are different.
I finally feel something close to complete. I wish i could of realized that I had this hormonal imbalance earlier. Things would have been better for me. I know that now I will be able to sexually express myself and move about in the world a more perfect, whole and complete person. I haven't felt this good since i was on heroin almost 10 years ago and this ride has just begun for me. One of the reasons I was doing heroin was the pain I was in over not being able to function as a sexual and loving human being. I now know the real reason why I had to move to Seattle. It was something I had always wanted to do and it had nothing to do with the music or scene here-nothing at all. As a matter of fact I could not even explain why I always had this feeling to move here, but now I know. Seattle is very progressive when it comes to transgendered care. There is a huge FTM scene here in Seattle and the Northwest. I never felt like I fit into the lesbian and gay scene, but I do feel a part of the FTM scene.
It is going to take a little while until my transition is complete, but within a year or so I should look and feel completely different. I now have something to look forward to. By the time I am 40, my transition will be complete. I am 36 now.
Transitioning is definitely a ride. I am stoked about my future for the first time in a long time. I only wish that I could of done this sooner. Everyday is a new day. It is amazing to be able to reincarnate within the same lifetime. Now I am able to wake up and face the day with more joy because everyday is another day closer to the completion of my transition.
Michael
They also say that some guys that take T become aggressive and angry-well I can feel why those guys that have not been working on their issues would have this problem. There is an intensity that is hard to describe, but I am sure it is how bio guys feel most of the time. I have worked on my anger issues for a long time. As a matter of fact, I conquered that demon years ago. As a matter of fact I have not gotten angry in a long time and I have never, ever been violent at all. As a matter of fact I deplore all kinds of violence. Gandhi is one of my heroes. So because I have worked on these issues and because I am all ready starting off with non functioning female organs and hormones, that side effect will and should not effect me. The Testosterone doesn't have to fight with my estrogen since my estrogen is almost non-existent. Therefore making my transition a lot easier.
For those that think that my body will not become male, you need to look into the science of it. Scientists in testing their theory that injecting hormones can change your sex took a bunch of chickens and gave them injections of Testosterone over a long period. Every single one of them turned into a rooster. Everything became male in their body, mind and tiny brain. The only thing about the chickens that was still female was their inner organs, which stopped working but were still there. If you look at pictures of the many, many handsome FTM's (Female to Male) out there, you could never, ever tell that they were at one time female. The difference is astounding! I happen to believe that a Transguy is a better lover, friend and mate than a bio guy. Mostly because of the fact that transguys will always be tapped into their feminine side and have complete understanding with their female partners. Biological Males cannot have that deep understanding with females that transguys have. I happen to believe that FTM's are truly the best of both worlds. I know how to hit the G Spot, I know about the ridges of love just beneath the G Spot and I know how to make a clitoris dance with slow rolling orgasms all night. Bi-sexual women should be all about being with a transguy. Plus with our dicks you cannot get pregnant. If people saw how amazing it is to see a clitoris turn into a dick, they would understand why being an FTM is so awesome! There are pictures posted across the web, but mostly for other FTM's benefit and learning, but if anyone out there wants to see what a clitoris on T looks like, feel free to hit me up and I will send you some pictures.
Since I am starting off with a HUGE clit, my growth should be much like this picture, of course all guys are different.
I finally feel something close to complete. I wish i could of realized that I had this hormonal imbalance earlier. Things would have been better for me. I know that now I will be able to sexually express myself and move about in the world a more perfect, whole and complete person. I haven't felt this good since i was on heroin almost 10 years ago and this ride has just begun for me. One of the reasons I was doing heroin was the pain I was in over not being able to function as a sexual and loving human being. I now know the real reason why I had to move to Seattle. It was something I had always wanted to do and it had nothing to do with the music or scene here-nothing at all. As a matter of fact I could not even explain why I always had this feeling to move here, but now I know. Seattle is very progressive when it comes to transgendered care. There is a huge FTM scene here in Seattle and the Northwest. I never felt like I fit into the lesbian and gay scene, but I do feel a part of the FTM scene.
It is going to take a little while until my transition is complete, but within a year or so I should look and feel completely different. I now have something to look forward to. By the time I am 40, my transition will be complete. I am 36 now.
Transitioning is definitely a ride. I am stoked about my future for the first time in a long time. I only wish that I could of done this sooner. Everyday is a new day. It is amazing to be able to reincarnate within the same lifetime. Now I am able to wake up and face the day with more joy because everyday is another day closer to the completion of my transition.
Michael
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Energized!
I am not sure if this is normal but ever since I took my first shot of Testosterone I feel very energized. I have more energy. I actually could not sleep tonight. I feel good but I can tell that the changes are not going to happen over night-obviously!
I can all ready feel a small difference in my sex drive. Although I have a high sex drive anyway, I can definitely feel a tiny bit of a difference. It is a bit more fierce. I also feel like I have a little more confidence in myself, which is one of the things I need from the T.
Many guys get addicted to their T and I can all ready tell I am going to be one of them. I just cannot wait to take my next shot. It feels so good becoming someone that it was always my dream to be. In four years from now when I turn 40, i will be the man I have always needed to be. The relief in my heart to finally be who I am on the outside, feels really good.
Soon my looks will become even more masculine than they all ready are. My face and body will change. I am all ready handsomely androgynous but once the Testosterone really starts to kick in, my face will turn into the hot guy I always knew I was. The differences will be slight but significant. I can't wait.
I really need to raise money for my top surgery. For me my transition will not be complete until my chest is reconstructed into a male's. Since I have male nipples all ready, I should get really good results from the surgery. My nipples are small like a man's and there is no coloring around it. If they weren't so big, with these nipples I could pass as a guy all ready, but they are D cups and way too big to handle. They have been a source of pain and ridicule my whole life. It can cost up to 8000 dollars for the surgery. Here in the USA, most if not all insurance companies will not pay for transgendered care surgeries, but in Europe, people's state insurance cover the whole cost for all the surgeries in most of the EU countries. Some of the countries will pay for everything but 25%, which is really, really good. There will be two scars underneath my breasts but I like scars and eventually I am going to have the area around it tattooed so that the scars become part of a chest piece tattoo. The day i am able to walk around without a shirt on and totally pass for a male, is the day that true liberation starts for me. I will be taking donations and throwing benefits for myself to raise money for the surgery. Being on Testosterone and having the opportunity to reincarnate within this lifetime has saved my life. I really love being trans and I am glad I choose this lesson in this lifetime. I truly am the best of both worlds. I know that one day I will have the wife I was always meant to have.
Me in 2000.
I can all ready feel a small difference in my sex drive. Although I have a high sex drive anyway, I can definitely feel a tiny bit of a difference. It is a bit more fierce. I also feel like I have a little more confidence in myself, which is one of the things I need from the T.
Many guys get addicted to their T and I can all ready tell I am going to be one of them. I just cannot wait to take my next shot. It feels so good becoming someone that it was always my dream to be. In four years from now when I turn 40, i will be the man I have always needed to be. The relief in my heart to finally be who I am on the outside, feels really good.
Soon my looks will become even more masculine than they all ready are. My face and body will change. I am all ready handsomely androgynous but once the Testosterone really starts to kick in, my face will turn into the hot guy I always knew I was. The differences will be slight but significant. I can't wait.
I really need to raise money for my top surgery. For me my transition will not be complete until my chest is reconstructed into a male's. Since I have male nipples all ready, I should get really good results from the surgery. My nipples are small like a man's and there is no coloring around it. If they weren't so big, with these nipples I could pass as a guy all ready, but they are D cups and way too big to handle. They have been a source of pain and ridicule my whole life. It can cost up to 8000 dollars for the surgery. Here in the USA, most if not all insurance companies will not pay for transgendered care surgeries, but in Europe, people's state insurance cover the whole cost for all the surgeries in most of the EU countries. Some of the countries will pay for everything but 25%, which is really, really good. There will be two scars underneath my breasts but I like scars and eventually I am going to have the area around it tattooed so that the scars become part of a chest piece tattoo. The day i am able to walk around without a shirt on and totally pass for a male, is the day that true liberation starts for me. I will be taking donations and throwing benefits for myself to raise money for the surgery. Being on Testosterone and having the opportunity to reincarnate within this lifetime has saved my life. I really love being trans and I am glad I choose this lesson in this lifetime. I truly am the best of both worlds. I know that one day I will have the wife I was always meant to have.
Me in 2000.
Testosterone and Me.
Testosterone and Me.
I just took my first shot of Testosterone.
I wanted to explain to people a little bit why i have to take it. On the outside I have tits and a (big) clit. But on the inside, within my brain and blood, I am not a female at all. I have had a HUGE hormonal disorder my whole life! My estrogen is that of an old, post menopausal lady. It should be within the ranges of 400-550, but it is 40! I have only gotten my period about 8 times since 1997. When I do...boy it hurts. My ovaries dont work at all. My testosterone is higher than my estrogen. MY Testosterone was 63, the highest females go is 70. So I am definitely at the higher end of the scale.
This hormonal imbalance is the reason why I don't feel comfortable in my body when it comes to sex. Even though I have a very high sex drive and am horny everyday, I cannot seem to be able to transfer it to another person. Sex alone..no problem. I am shy when it comes to girls because of this. I don't feel like a lesbian, even though I need to be with a woman. I have always felt like a boy my whole life and because I don't have the level of Testosterone that I need to function like one, I have been unable to successfully enter in any kind of sexual relationship with anyone but myself. This also has to do with my priorities, my karma in this life and my heart. I cannot just sleep with anyone...woman or man. I am picky to a fault. I need to feel a connection on another level in order to want to have sex with a person. These connections are hard to come by. I am not just like everyone else who is satisfied with any warm body next to them.
So this brings me to why I am going on testosterone. I need to feel like a complete person. I need to have some kind of normal hormone level. Taking T and becoming a "man" is the only option I have besides misery. If I was born later, I would have known this about myself a lot earlier, as it is my generation didn't have the scientific breakthroughs in transgendered care that this younger generation does. Even though I am starting at 36...I look about 21. I don't even feel 36. I feel about 15. Most trans guys that take T will go through puberty again. I will too but since my ovaries dont work and the T doesn't have to fight to bring my E down, I should be a lot better off than other guys with a normal Estrogen level.
So here's to the the beginning of my new life. Even if no one else gives a shit about me...I care about myself....because myself is all I have, all I have ever had was myself and who knows it might be all I ever have.
I wanted to also say that the goal is not to be a like a complete bio guy.. Although it is my goal to have a man's chest and present male, I will always be part female. I embrace that. I am happy with that...but the truth is in my blood stream and brain. I am more male than female. i really like who I am. I am not going to trip on pronouns but I am sure after a point it will be natural for everyone to use "he" even though I don't care if they use "she". I like being both and I like being more male. I have always been a rebel and now I am even more of a gender rebel and that is sweet!
The only surgeries I want/need to have is top surgery. My breast are out of control big. Even if i wasn't trans I would want them to be almost nothing. The bottom, as of right now except for the growth I am going to get with my clit, is staying the same for sexual purposes. I might at some point do something to release my dick(clit), but only time will tell. These are choices I am making for myself.
-
MichaelPunkRock
I just took my first shot of Testosterone.
I wanted to explain to people a little bit why i have to take it. On the outside I have tits and a (big) clit. But on the inside, within my brain and blood, I am not a female at all. I have had a HUGE hormonal disorder my whole life! My estrogen is that of an old, post menopausal lady. It should be within the ranges of 400-550, but it is 40! I have only gotten my period about 8 times since 1997. When I do...boy it hurts. My ovaries dont work at all. My testosterone is higher than my estrogen. MY Testosterone was 63, the highest females go is 70. So I am definitely at the higher end of the scale.
This hormonal imbalance is the reason why I don't feel comfortable in my body when it comes to sex. Even though I have a very high sex drive and am horny everyday, I cannot seem to be able to transfer it to another person. Sex alone..no problem. I am shy when it comes to girls because of this. I don't feel like a lesbian, even though I need to be with a woman. I have always felt like a boy my whole life and because I don't have the level of Testosterone that I need to function like one, I have been unable to successfully enter in any kind of sexual relationship with anyone but myself. This also has to do with my priorities, my karma in this life and my heart. I cannot just sleep with anyone...woman or man. I am picky to a fault. I need to feel a connection on another level in order to want to have sex with a person. These connections are hard to come by. I am not just like everyone else who is satisfied with any warm body next to them.
So this brings me to why I am going on testosterone. I need to feel like a complete person. I need to have some kind of normal hormone level. Taking T and becoming a "man" is the only option I have besides misery. If I was born later, I would have known this about myself a lot earlier, as it is my generation didn't have the scientific breakthroughs in transgendered care that this younger generation does. Even though I am starting at 36...I look about 21. I don't even feel 36. I feel about 15. Most trans guys that take T will go through puberty again. I will too but since my ovaries dont work and the T doesn't have to fight to bring my E down, I should be a lot better off than other guys with a normal Estrogen level.
So here's to the the beginning of my new life. Even if no one else gives a shit about me...I care about myself....because myself is all I have, all I have ever had was myself and who knows it might be all I ever have.
I wanted to also say that the goal is not to be a like a complete bio guy.. Although it is my goal to have a man's chest and present male, I will always be part female. I embrace that. I am happy with that...but the truth is in my blood stream and brain. I am more male than female. i really like who I am. I am not going to trip on pronouns but I am sure after a point it will be natural for everyone to use "he" even though I don't care if they use "she". I like being both and I like being more male. I have always been a rebel and now I am even more of a gender rebel and that is sweet!
The only surgeries I want/need to have is top surgery. My breast are out of control big. Even if i wasn't trans I would want them to be almost nothing. The bottom, as of right now except for the growth I am going to get with my clit, is staying the same for sexual purposes. I might at some point do something to release my dick(clit), but only time will tell. These are choices I am making for myself.
-
MichaelPunkRock
Saturday, December 6, 2008
December 5th-My First Day of Testosterone
On December 5th my Testosterone came in the mail. It was a process getting it ready to inject. I have no problem with needles and I actually enjoyed the whole process. In two weeks when I take it again, I am going to video tape myself injecting it.
I Instantly felt a rush after taking it. I injected it into the muscle on my leg. Since then I feel a bit different. Things are starting to come together for me within my body. I have more energy physically and emotionally I feel a bit stronger. It is hard to explain but when I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I looked down at my body and could see a difference. I actually felt male for a second. It was a good feeling. I cannot even begin to describe how good taking testosterone feels. I can't wait until my clit grows into my dick. Most transguys start small and end up big. I am starting off big which means that I should have tremendous growth. Enough growth for intercourse. I really cannot wait for that to happen. I feel excellent. The testosterone feels better than heroin. I feel excellent for the first time in a long while.
Here's to the rest of my life.
-
Michael
I Instantly felt a rush after taking it. I injected it into the muscle on my leg. Since then I feel a bit different. Things are starting to come together for me within my body. I have more energy physically and emotionally I feel a bit stronger. It is hard to explain but when I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I looked down at my body and could see a difference. I actually felt male for a second. It was a good feeling. I cannot even begin to describe how good taking testosterone feels. I can't wait until my clit grows into my dick. Most transguys start small and end up big. I am starting off big which means that I should have tremendous growth. Enough growth for intercourse. I really cannot wait for that to happen. I feel excellent. The testosterone feels better than heroin. I feel excellent for the first time in a long while.
Here's to the rest of my life.
-
Michael
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