Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Finally an Update!

Well it has been 4 and a half months since I started taking Testosterone. I feel great. I am slowly becoming more confident and feel a little bit better socially. Having the correct amount of hormones is very important for everyone. When they get out of whack, it gets harder to function normally as a part of society. I have suffered my whole life because of my extreme hormonal imbalance that went undiagnosed for years. Being transgendered is something that you cannot help. It is a Dis-Ease that needs to be treated. If only I could have been honest about my problem and got treatment 18 years ago, I probably would not have made the same mistakes and I definitely would not have become a drug addict.

Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.

But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.

The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.

The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.

My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.

In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.

I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.

thanks for reading.


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