Thursday, December 11, 2008

Can't Hardly Wait.

Thanks to the few people that are following this blog! It means more to me than you could ever know!

I take my second shot of testosterone on Dec. 19th. I can't hardly wait until that day. Ironically, that is the day I arrive in CT after a 3 and a half day train ride from Seattle to Chicago and then from Chicago to New York, from there my Dad picks me up and drives me to CT.

I made so many mistakes in my life with the person that I love because of my hormonal imbalance and my lack of understanding of my transgendered body. I was only 20/21 when I made these mistakes. Too young to fall in love the way I did. This was some intense love because not only was I in love with this woman, but she and I had a creative partnership with film and TV that I have yet to ever find again. I highly doubt that I will ever find someone like her again. This person and I go so deep that before I even had an understanding of past lives-she saw them and my days with her were filled with intense deja vue. The pain of my mistakes has haunted me for 15 years and even though these mistakes were not that bad, this person refuses to even give me the time of day, let alone talk to me about what happened between us. I left New York to get clean and when I left NYC, I left her unknowingly. The pain of this, is almost too much to bear.

I can only hope that my transition helps me finally get over the pain and loss I feel by finally being able to be the man that I am. As i said before because of my hormonal imbalance I have not been able to function emotionally or sexually with another person. Maybe, just maybe after the T kicks in more-I will feel better about what happened and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone else to love. But my love for this person is so intense that I doubt that I could ever love another person without being fake about it. I truly, truly am stuck.

It is going to feel good taking my testosterone in the house I grew up in. It was in this house, at around 7 years old, that I use to cry about not being a boy. My parents do not know yet about my transition but one of my sisters does. Although they know that I am taking hormones, they just don't know what kind. It is going to be hard not telling them about it for the 2 weeks I am there. The name Michael Sigfried that I am taking, is the one my parents were going to give me if I was born in the right body. My dad's name is Sigfried (Ziggy for short). On my email address I changed the name to Michael Sigfried and I have emailed them a ton of times from that address, so i am sure they might have an idea because I am sure they did not forget about that name. I guess I will find out how much they know when I get there. But it doesn't matter to me if they refuse to accept my transition. I am 36 years old, this is what I HAVE to do in order to live. As it is they held me back from loving myself through out my twenties due to their hate for me and the way I live my life. They have changed a bit since then, but there is still that lack of understanding about why I am the way i am. Hopefully someday I can explain to them why I am the way I am. I know my mom will understand, but my Dad is another story. I really want to tell them though and knowing me over this vacation I probably will tell them because I love myself now and it is important to me.

I really, really, really need my top surgery. Until I have these HUGE breasts removed, it is hard for me to go forward as a man. The day these boobs are gone is the day true liberation starts for me. I am praying to divine mother that she allow me the funds to do this. I have had enough suffering in my life that it is the least she can do for me. At least then I can live the life I was born to live.
I pray and I pray for the testosterone to help me with all my pain. Thy will be done.

Thanks for reading-

1 comment:

Sinzy Claws said...

I hope your holiday season goes well and that the new year brings only happiness, it seems you deserve some long awaited happiness in your life. Good luck with everything <3