Thursday, December 11, 2008

Can't Hardly Wait.

Thanks to the few people that are following this blog! It means more to me than you could ever know!

I take my second shot of testosterone on Dec. 19th. I can't hardly wait until that day. Ironically, that is the day I arrive in CT after a 3 and a half day train ride from Seattle to Chicago and then from Chicago to New York, from there my Dad picks me up and drives me to CT.

I made so many mistakes in my life with the person that I love because of my hormonal imbalance and my lack of understanding of my transgendered body. I was only 20/21 when I made these mistakes. Too young to fall in love the way I did. This was some intense love because not only was I in love with this woman, but she and I had a creative partnership with film and TV that I have yet to ever find again. I highly doubt that I will ever find someone like her again. This person and I go so deep that before I even had an understanding of past lives-she saw them and my days with her were filled with intense deja vue. The pain of my mistakes has haunted me for 15 years and even though these mistakes were not that bad, this person refuses to even give me the time of day, let alone talk to me about what happened between us. I left New York to get clean and when I left NYC, I left her unknowingly. The pain of this, is almost too much to bear.

I can only hope that my transition helps me finally get over the pain and loss I feel by finally being able to be the man that I am. As i said before because of my hormonal imbalance I have not been able to function emotionally or sexually with another person. Maybe, just maybe after the T kicks in more-I will feel better about what happened and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone else to love. But my love for this person is so intense that I doubt that I could ever love another person without being fake about it. I truly, truly am stuck.

It is going to feel good taking my testosterone in the house I grew up in. It was in this house, at around 7 years old, that I use to cry about not being a boy. My parents do not know yet about my transition but one of my sisters does. Although they know that I am taking hormones, they just don't know what kind. It is going to be hard not telling them about it for the 2 weeks I am there. The name Michael Sigfried that I am taking, is the one my parents were going to give me if I was born in the right body. My dad's name is Sigfried (Ziggy for short). On my email address I changed the name to Michael Sigfried and I have emailed them a ton of times from that address, so i am sure they might have an idea because I am sure they did not forget about that name. I guess I will find out how much they know when I get there. But it doesn't matter to me if they refuse to accept my transition. I am 36 years old, this is what I HAVE to do in order to live. As it is they held me back from loving myself through out my twenties due to their hate for me and the way I live my life. They have changed a bit since then, but there is still that lack of understanding about why I am the way i am. Hopefully someday I can explain to them why I am the way I am. I know my mom will understand, but my Dad is another story. I really want to tell them though and knowing me over this vacation I probably will tell them because I love myself now and it is important to me.

I really, really, really need my top surgery. Until I have these HUGE breasts removed, it is hard for me to go forward as a man. The day these boobs are gone is the day true liberation starts for me. I am praying to divine mother that she allow me the funds to do this. I have had enough suffering in my life that it is the least she can do for me. At least then I can live the life I was born to live.
I pray and I pray for the testosterone to help me with all my pain. Thy will be done.

Thanks for reading-

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


So it seems like any difference I felt within the first few days of taking my shot have slowed down a bit. I guess its true that the changes will not happen over night. I can understand my impatience with the situation though because it has been since I was about 7 that I craved to be a boy. Time flies by fast. The past 4 years I have been in Seattle have just flown by, which means that the next four years will fly by also, but I am so afraid that within these next 4 years that I am going to be alone. I cannot really handle being alone for much longer.

I have not been in a relationship since July of 2005. Even that relationship only lasted about 3 months, if that. The last time I had sex with a woman was in July of 2005. Before that my only other relationship I was ever in lasted from 1999-2002. From 2002-2005 I did not have sex with a woman. I seem to go periods of 3 years without sex. It is really painful. I need to be with someone. I need to feel like a whole and complete person. Sex for me is something I cannot just do without feeling some kind of connection with the person. I wish I could just go to the lesbian bar, pick up a chic and get laid, but I cannot do that. Maybe the Testosterone will help me with this, but not overnight. Although I wish I could just wave a magic wand over my head to fix my finickiness but there is not any magic wand on the planet, except for one and she doesn't want to use it on me.


Tuesday, December 9, 2008

My Appetite.

I have noticed that my appetite has gone down since I took my first shot of testosterone. This is a blessing I did not know I was going to get. My appetite at night is really strong. I wake up hungry like the wolf! This is part of the reason I am still over-weight because I am not hungry during the day but in the middle of the night. Well since I have taken my first shot of T, that out of control nighttime hunger has disappeared! I am so grateful and I have already lost a few pounds since Friday Dec. 5th 2008.

I also have a lot more energy. I all ready feel better after only my first shot. The future looks good-finally! I take my next shot on Dec. 19th. That is the day i arrive in CT. I get to shoot up twice while I am there since I will be there for 3 weeks. It is going to feel really good becoming Michael at my parents house, the house I grew up in. This XMAS vacation should be the best one since I moved to Seattle. I leave on Dec 16th and return to Seattle on Jan 9th 2009. I will also be visiting NYC from Dec 27th-29th. I am really stoked for my life....finally!

Thanks for reading-

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Ride of Transition.

I have heard many times that taking Testosterone and transitioning is one helluva ride. I would definitely have to agree with that. It is definitely a "ride". Yesterday, on Sunday, I took a trip in my car to do a little bit of food shopping. On the way there I felt really different. I am starting to feel like the man that I am. All of a sudden i feel very energized, confident, strong and sexual, very sexual. They say that taking T makes you very horny. Well it makes sense because all it is doing is making my brain male and less female I definitely feel less emotional. Things that have been really hurting me are still there, but there is not as much emotion attached to it. Which is a really good thing. I definitely feel more balanced and stronger-mentally, emotionally, physically and even spiritually.

They also say that some guys that take T become aggressive and angry-well I can feel why those guys that have not been working on their issues would have this problem. There is an intensity that is hard to describe, but I am sure it is how bio guys feel most of the time. I have worked on my anger issues for a long time. As a matter of fact, I conquered that demon years ago. As a matter of fact I have not gotten angry in a long time and I have never, ever been violent at all. As a matter of fact I deplore all kinds of violence. Gandhi is one of my heroes. So because I have worked on these issues and because I am all ready starting off with non functioning female organs and hormones, that side effect will and should not effect me. The Testosterone doesn't have to fight with my estrogen since my estrogen is almost non-existent. Therefore making my transition a lot easier.

For those that think that my body will not become male, you need to look into the science of it. Scientists in testing their theory that injecting hormones can change your sex took a bunch of chickens and gave them injections of Testosterone over a long period. Every single one of them turned into a rooster. Everything became male in their body, mind and tiny brain. The only thing about the chickens that was still female was their inner organs, which stopped working but were still there. If you look at pictures of the many, many handsome FTM's (Female to Male) out there, you could never, ever tell that they were at one time female. The difference is astounding! I happen to believe that a Transguy is a better lover, friend and mate than a bio guy. Mostly because of the fact that transguys will always be tapped into their feminine side and have complete understanding with their female partners. Biological Males cannot have that deep understanding with females that transguys have. I happen to believe that FTM's are truly the best of both worlds. I know how to hit the G Spot, I know about the ridges of love just beneath the G Spot and I know how to make a clitoris dance with slow rolling orgasms all night. Bi-sexual women should be all about being with a transguy. Plus with our dicks you cannot get pregnant. If people saw how amazing it is to see a clitoris turn into a dick, they would understand why being an FTM is so awesome! There are pictures posted across the web, but mostly for other FTM's benefit and learning, but if anyone out there wants to see what a clitoris on T looks like, feel free to hit me up and I will send you some pictures.

Since I am starting off with a HUGE clit, my growth should be much like this picture, of course all guys are different.

I finally feel something close to complete. I wish i could of realized that I had this hormonal imbalance earlier. Things would have been better for me. I know that now I will be able to sexually express myself and move about in the world a more perfect, whole and complete person. I haven't felt this good since i was on heroin almost 10 years ago and this ride has just begun for me. One of the reasons I was doing heroin was the pain I was in over not being able to function as a sexual and loving human being. I now know the real reason why I had to move to Seattle. It was something I had always wanted to do and it had nothing to do with the music or scene here-nothing at all. As a matter of fact I could not even explain why I always had this feeling to move here, but now I know. Seattle is very progressive when it comes to transgendered care. There is a huge FTM scene here in Seattle and the Northwest. I never felt like I fit into the lesbian and gay scene, but I do feel a part of the FTM scene.

It is going to take a little while until my transition is complete, but within a year or so I should look and feel completely different. I now have something to look forward to. By the time I am 40, my transition will be complete. I am 36 now.

Transitioning is definitely a ride. I am stoked about my future for the first time in a long time. I only wish that I could of done this sooner. Everyday is a new day. It is amazing to be able to reincarnate within the same lifetime. Now I am able to wake up and face the day with more joy because everyday is another day closer to the completion of my transition.


Sunday, December 7, 2008


I am not sure if this is normal but ever since I took my first shot of Testosterone I feel very energized. I have more energy. I actually could not sleep tonight. I feel good but I can tell that the changes are not going to happen over night-obviously!

I can all ready feel a small difference in my sex drive. Although I have a high sex drive anyway, I can definitely feel a tiny bit of a difference. It is a bit more fierce. I also feel like I have a little more confidence in myself, which is one of the things I need from the T.

Many guys get addicted to their T and I can all ready tell I am going to be one of them. I just cannot wait to take my next shot. It feels so good becoming someone that it was always my dream to be. In four years from now when I turn 40, i will be the man I have always needed to be. The relief in my heart to finally be who I am on the outside, feels really good.

Soon my looks will become even more masculine than they all ready are. My face and body will change. I am all ready handsomely androgynous but once the Testosterone really starts to kick in, my face will turn into the hot guy I always knew I was. The differences will be slight but significant. I can't wait.

I really need to raise money for my top surgery. For me my transition will not be complete until my chest is reconstructed into a male's. Since I have male nipples all ready, I should get really good results from the surgery. My nipples are small like a man's and there is no coloring around it. If they weren't so big, with these nipples I could pass as a guy all ready, but they are D cups and way too big to handle. They have been a source of pain and ridicule my whole life. It can cost up to 8000 dollars for the surgery. Here in the USA, most if not all insurance companies will not pay for transgendered care surgeries, but in Europe, people's state insurance cover the whole cost for all the surgeries in most of the EU countries. Some of the countries will pay for everything but 25%, which is really, really good. There will be two scars underneath my breasts but I like scars and eventually I am going to have the area around it tattooed so that the scars become part of a chest piece tattoo. The day i am able to walk around without a shirt on and totally pass for a male, is the day that true liberation starts for me. I will be taking donations and throwing benefits for myself to raise money for the surgery. Being on Testosterone and having the opportunity to reincarnate within this lifetime has saved my life. I really love being trans and I am glad I choose this lesson in this lifetime. I truly am the best of both worlds. I know that one day I will have the wife I was always meant to have.

Me in 2000.
The crazy fucking headshot

Testosterone and Me.

Testosterone and Me.
I just took my first shot of Testosterone.

I wanted to explain to people a little bit why i have to take it. On the outside I have tits and a (big) clit. But on the inside, within my brain and blood, I am not a female at all. I have had a HUGE hormonal disorder my whole life! My estrogen is that of an old, post menopausal lady. It should be within the ranges of 400-550, but it is 40! I have only gotten my period about 8 times since 1997. When I do...boy it hurts. My ovaries dont work at all. My testosterone is higher than my estrogen. MY Testosterone was 63, the highest females go is 70. So I am definitely at the higher end of the scale.

This hormonal imbalance is the reason why I don't feel comfortable in my body when it comes to sex. Even though I have a very high sex drive and am horny everyday, I cannot seem to be able to transfer it to another person. Sex problem. I am shy when it comes to girls because of this. I don't feel like a lesbian, even though I need to be with a woman. I have always felt like a boy my whole life and because I don't have the level of Testosterone that I need to function like one, I have been unable to successfully enter in any kind of sexual relationship with anyone but myself. This also has to do with my priorities, my karma in this life and my heart. I cannot just sleep with anyone...woman or man. I am picky to a fault. I need to feel a connection on another level in order to want to have sex with a person. These connections are hard to come by. I am not just like everyone else who is satisfied with any warm body next to them.

So this brings me to why I am going on testosterone. I need to feel like a complete person. I need to have some kind of normal hormone level. Taking T and becoming a "man" is the only option I have besides misery. If I was born later, I would have known this about myself a lot earlier, as it is my generation didn't have the scientific breakthroughs in transgendered care that this younger generation does. Even though I am starting at 36...I look about 21. I don't even feel 36. I feel about 15. Most trans guys that take T will go through puberty again. I will too but since my ovaries dont work and the T doesn't have to fight to bring my E down, I should be a lot better off than other guys with a normal Estrogen level.

So here's to the the beginning of my new life. Even if no one else gives a shit about me...I care about myself....because myself is all I have, all I have ever had was myself and who knows it might be all I ever have.

I wanted to also say that the goal is not to be a like a complete bio guy.. Although it is my goal to have a man's chest and present male, I will always be part female. I embrace that. I am happy with that...but the truth is in my blood stream and brain. I am more male than female. i really like who I am. I am not going to trip on pronouns but I am sure after a point it will be natural for everyone to use "he" even though I don't care if they use "she". I like being both and I like being more male. I have always been a rebel and now I am even more of a gender rebel and that is sweet!

The only surgeries I want/need to have is top surgery. My breast are out of control big. Even if i wasn't trans I would want them to be almost nothing. The bottom, as of right now except for the growth I am going to get with my clit, is staying the same for sexual purposes. I might at some point do something to release my dick(clit), but only time will tell. These are choices I am making for myself.


Saturday, December 6, 2008

December 5th-My First Day of Testosterone

On December 5th my Testosterone came in the mail. It was a process getting it ready to inject. I have no problem with needles and I actually enjoyed the whole process. In two weeks when I take it again, I am going to video tape myself injecting it.

I Instantly felt a rush after taking it. I injected it into the muscle on my leg. Since then I feel a bit different. Things are starting to come together for me within my body. I have more energy physically and emotionally I feel a bit stronger. It is hard to explain but when I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I looked down at my body and could see a difference. I actually felt male for a second. It was a good feeling. I cannot even begin to describe how good taking testosterone feels. I can't wait until my clit grows into my dick. Most transguys start small and end up big. I am starting off big which means that I should have tremendous growth. Enough growth for intercourse. I really cannot wait for that to happen. I feel excellent. The testosterone feels better than heroin. I feel excellent for the first time in a long while.

Here's to the rest of my life.