Part 2 of a video series I made explaining why I am who I am.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
7 months.
It has now been 7 months since I started T and I have yet to get any bad side effects. As a matter of fact the testosterone has seem to calm me down instead of amp me up. It is having the same calming, self assured effect on me that heroin did. I truly believe I am different in a lot ways. Having a almost non existent estrogen level to begin with and a high testosterone level is making my transition a lot easier.
My voice has definitely changed and I lost my high pitched yell that has been so common in 100's of hardcore and punk shows. But I noticed my singing voice sounds awesome. Crisp, clear and loud! I am sure it still is in the process of changing but now when I go out many people mistake me for a male right away and dont believe me that my name is Kimberly. An elderly lady freaked out in me in the grocery store bathroom. She thought I belonged in the male bathroom. I just laughed and took a piss.
With my binder on almost everyone that doesn't know me assumes I am male. My face has changed and squared off and my voice is deeper. When I just wear a bra, only some people assume I am male. My chest is pretty big. I definitely look good. The hair on my face, legs and arms is thicker. I have shaved my face everyday since 2001 because of my high testosterone level I had a lot of facial hair. So I all ready shave everyday so the growth on my face isnt something shocking. I am not a beard guy anyway.
I also noticed that other males pick up on my testosterone and sometimes want to fight me. This has happened 3 times in the past months. Some dude will start with me in a store or just out and about. usually it was nothing I did directly. When I was just a female, this never happened. No guy would really want to fight a girl unless they had a good reason. Its funny how we project our hormones onto each other. Weird how males get testy around each other. It is very interesting changing sexes. I think people like me know more about the way things are then most people. I could be wrong but we definitely have a special perspective on life.
I am definitely a lot happier finally being able to cure my dis-ease. I still have a way to go yet. i am grateful for the opportunity. I would have done this two years ago but being on TV made me delay my decision.
My voice has definitely changed and I lost my high pitched yell that has been so common in 100's of hardcore and punk shows. But I noticed my singing voice sounds awesome. Crisp, clear and loud! I am sure it still is in the process of changing but now when I go out many people mistake me for a male right away and dont believe me that my name is Kimberly. An elderly lady freaked out in me in the grocery store bathroom. She thought I belonged in the male bathroom. I just laughed and took a piss.
With my binder on almost everyone that doesn't know me assumes I am male. My face has changed and squared off and my voice is deeper. When I just wear a bra, only some people assume I am male. My chest is pretty big. I definitely look good. The hair on my face, legs and arms is thicker. I have shaved my face everyday since 2001 because of my high testosterone level I had a lot of facial hair. So I all ready shave everyday so the growth on my face isnt something shocking. I am not a beard guy anyway.
I also noticed that other males pick up on my testosterone and sometimes want to fight me. This has happened 3 times in the past months. Some dude will start with me in a store or just out and about. usually it was nothing I did directly. When I was just a female, this never happened. No guy would really want to fight a girl unless they had a good reason. Its funny how we project our hormones onto each other. Weird how males get testy around each other. It is very interesting changing sexes. I think people like me know more about the way things are then most people. I could be wrong but we definitely have a special perspective on life.
I am definitely a lot happier finally being able to cure my dis-ease. I still have a way to go yet. i am grateful for the opportunity. I would have done this two years ago but being on TV made me delay my decision.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Finally an Update!
Well it has been 4 and a half months since I started taking Testosterone. I feel great. I am slowly becoming more confident and feel a little bit better socially. Having the correct amount of hormones is very important for everyone. When they get out of whack, it gets harder to function normally as a part of society. I have suffered my whole life because of my extreme hormonal imbalance that went undiagnosed for years. Being transgendered is something that you cannot help. It is a Dis-Ease that needs to be treated. If only I could have been honest about my problem and got treatment 18 years ago, I probably would not have made the same mistakes and I definitely would not have become a drug addict.
Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.
But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.
The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.
The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.
My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.
In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.
I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.
thanks for reading.
Mikethepunk
Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.
But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.
The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.
The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.
My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.
In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.
I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.
thanks for reading.
Mikethepunk
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Can't Hardly Wait.
Thanks to the few people that are following this blog! It means more to me than you could ever know!
I take my second shot of testosterone on Dec. 19th. I can't hardly wait until that day. Ironically, that is the day I arrive in CT after a 3 and a half day train ride from Seattle to Chicago and then from Chicago to New York, from there my Dad picks me up and drives me to CT.
I made so many mistakes in my life with the person that I love because of my hormonal imbalance and my lack of understanding of my transgendered body. I was only 20/21 when I made these mistakes. Too young to fall in love the way I did. This was some intense love because not only was I in love with this woman, but she and I had a creative partnership with film and TV that I have yet to ever find again. I highly doubt that I will ever find someone like her again. This person and I go so deep that before I even had an understanding of past lives-she saw them and my days with her were filled with intense deja vue. The pain of my mistakes has haunted me for 15 years and even though these mistakes were not that bad, this person refuses to even give me the time of day, let alone talk to me about what happened between us. I left New York to get clean and when I left NYC, I left her unknowingly. The pain of this, is almost too much to bear.
I can only hope that my transition helps me finally get over the pain and loss I feel by finally being able to be the man that I am. As i said before because of my hormonal imbalance I have not been able to function emotionally or sexually with another person. Maybe, just maybe after the T kicks in more-I will feel better about what happened and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone else to love. But my love for this person is so intense that I doubt that I could ever love another person without being fake about it. I truly, truly am stuck.
It is going to feel good taking my testosterone in the house I grew up in. It was in this house, at around 7 years old, that I use to cry about not being a boy. My parents do not know yet about my transition but one of my sisters does. Although they know that I am taking hormones, they just don't know what kind. It is going to be hard not telling them about it for the 2 weeks I am there. The name Michael Sigfried that I am taking, is the one my parents were going to give me if I was born in the right body. My dad's name is Sigfried (Ziggy for short). On my email address I changed the name to Michael Sigfried and I have emailed them a ton of times from that address, so i am sure they might have an idea because I am sure they did not forget about that name. I guess I will find out how much they know when I get there. But it doesn't matter to me if they refuse to accept my transition. I am 36 years old, this is what I HAVE to do in order to live. As it is they held me back from loving myself through out my twenties due to their hate for me and the way I live my life. They have changed a bit since then, but there is still that lack of understanding about why I am the way i am. Hopefully someday I can explain to them why I am the way I am. I know my mom will understand, but my Dad is another story. I really want to tell them though and knowing me over this vacation I probably will tell them because I love myself now and it is important to me.
I really, really, really need my top surgery. Until I have these HUGE breasts removed, it is hard for me to go forward as a man. The day these boobs are gone is the day true liberation starts for me. I am praying to divine mother that she allow me the funds to do this. I have had enough suffering in my life that it is the least she can do for me. At least then I can live the life I was born to live.
I pray and I pray for the testosterone to help me with all my pain. Thy will be done.
Thanks for reading-
Michael
I take my second shot of testosterone on Dec. 19th. I can't hardly wait until that day. Ironically, that is the day I arrive in CT after a 3 and a half day train ride from Seattle to Chicago and then from Chicago to New York, from there my Dad picks me up and drives me to CT.
I made so many mistakes in my life with the person that I love because of my hormonal imbalance and my lack of understanding of my transgendered body. I was only 20/21 when I made these mistakes. Too young to fall in love the way I did. This was some intense love because not only was I in love with this woman, but she and I had a creative partnership with film and TV that I have yet to ever find again. I highly doubt that I will ever find someone like her again. This person and I go so deep that before I even had an understanding of past lives-she saw them and my days with her were filled with intense deja vue. The pain of my mistakes has haunted me for 15 years and even though these mistakes were not that bad, this person refuses to even give me the time of day, let alone talk to me about what happened between us. I left New York to get clean and when I left NYC, I left her unknowingly. The pain of this, is almost too much to bear.
I can only hope that my transition helps me finally get over the pain and loss I feel by finally being able to be the man that I am. As i said before because of my hormonal imbalance I have not been able to function emotionally or sexually with another person. Maybe, just maybe after the T kicks in more-I will feel better about what happened and maybe, just maybe I will meet someone else to love. But my love for this person is so intense that I doubt that I could ever love another person without being fake about it. I truly, truly am stuck.
It is going to feel good taking my testosterone in the house I grew up in. It was in this house, at around 7 years old, that I use to cry about not being a boy. My parents do not know yet about my transition but one of my sisters does. Although they know that I am taking hormones, they just don't know what kind. It is going to be hard not telling them about it for the 2 weeks I am there. The name Michael Sigfried that I am taking, is the one my parents were going to give me if I was born in the right body. My dad's name is Sigfried (Ziggy for short). On my email address I changed the name to Michael Sigfried and I have emailed them a ton of times from that address, so i am sure they might have an idea because I am sure they did not forget about that name. I guess I will find out how much they know when I get there. But it doesn't matter to me if they refuse to accept my transition. I am 36 years old, this is what I HAVE to do in order to live. As it is they held me back from loving myself through out my twenties due to their hate for me and the way I live my life. They have changed a bit since then, but there is still that lack of understanding about why I am the way i am. Hopefully someday I can explain to them why I am the way I am. I know my mom will understand, but my Dad is another story. I really want to tell them though and knowing me over this vacation I probably will tell them because I love myself now and it is important to me.
I really, really, really need my top surgery. Until I have these HUGE breasts removed, it is hard for me to go forward as a man. The day these boobs are gone is the day true liberation starts for me. I am praying to divine mother that she allow me the funds to do this. I have had enough suffering in my life that it is the least she can do for me. At least then I can live the life I was born to live.
I pray and I pray for the testosterone to help me with all my pain. Thy will be done.
Thanks for reading-
Michael
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Hmmm.
So it seems like any difference I felt within the first few days of taking my shot have slowed down a bit. I guess its true that the changes will not happen over night. I can understand my impatience with the situation though because it has been since I was about 7 that I craved to be a boy. Time flies by fast. The past 4 years I have been in Seattle have just flown by, which means that the next four years will fly by also, but I am so afraid that within these next 4 years that I am going to be alone. I cannot really handle being alone for much longer.
I have not been in a relationship since July of 2005. Even that relationship only lasted about 3 months, if that. The last time I had sex with a woman was in July of 2005. Before that my only other relationship I was ever in lasted from 1999-2002. From 2002-2005 I did not have sex with a woman. I seem to go periods of 3 years without sex. It is really painful. I need to be with someone. I need to feel like a whole and complete person. Sex for me is something I cannot just do without feeling some kind of connection with the person. I wish I could just go to the lesbian bar, pick up a chic and get laid, but I cannot do that. Maybe the Testosterone will help me with this, but not overnight. Although I wish I could just wave a magic wand over my head to fix my finickiness but there is not any magic wand on the planet, except for one and she doesn't want to use it on me.
Hmmm.
I have not been in a relationship since July of 2005. Even that relationship only lasted about 3 months, if that. The last time I had sex with a woman was in July of 2005. Before that my only other relationship I was ever in lasted from 1999-2002. From 2002-2005 I did not have sex with a woman. I seem to go periods of 3 years without sex. It is really painful. I need to be with someone. I need to feel like a whole and complete person. Sex for me is something I cannot just do without feeling some kind of connection with the person. I wish I could just go to the lesbian bar, pick up a chic and get laid, but I cannot do that. Maybe the Testosterone will help me with this, but not overnight. Although I wish I could just wave a magic wand over my head to fix my finickiness but there is not any magic wand on the planet, except for one and she doesn't want to use it on me.
Hmmm.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
My Appetite.
I have noticed that my appetite has gone down since I took my first shot of testosterone. This is a blessing I did not know I was going to get. My appetite at night is really strong. I wake up hungry like the wolf! This is part of the reason I am still over-weight because I am not hungry during the day but in the middle of the night. Well since I have taken my first shot of T, that out of control nighttime hunger has disappeared! I am so grateful and I have already lost a few pounds since Friday Dec. 5th 2008.
I also have a lot more energy. I all ready feel better after only my first shot. The future looks good-finally! I take my next shot on Dec. 19th. That is the day i arrive in CT. I get to shoot up twice while I am there since I will be there for 3 weeks. It is going to feel really good becoming Michael at my parents house, the house I grew up in. This XMAS vacation should be the best one since I moved to Seattle. I leave on Dec 16th and return to Seattle on Jan 9th 2009. I will also be visiting NYC from Dec 27th-29th. I am really stoked for my life....finally!
Thanks for reading-
Michael
I also have a lot more energy. I all ready feel better after only my first shot. The future looks good-finally! I take my next shot on Dec. 19th. That is the day i arrive in CT. I get to shoot up twice while I am there since I will be there for 3 weeks. It is going to feel really good becoming Michael at my parents house, the house I grew up in. This XMAS vacation should be the best one since I moved to Seattle. I leave on Dec 16th and return to Seattle on Jan 9th 2009. I will also be visiting NYC from Dec 27th-29th. I am really stoked for my life....finally!
Thanks for reading-
Michael
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