I feel so much better on the testosterone. It practically was a magic wand. The growth of my penis has been incredible. At its most erect it is about 4.5 inches, which for the amount of time I have been on T and for starting with a clitoris is amazing! I still have about 5 more years of growth to enjoy. If I were able to get it released from the labia, which eventually I am going to do, I would be protruding about 3 inches soft.
When it gets completely erect my mind is blown at how good it looks and feels. I knew I was going to have good growth but I didnt expect it to be this fast. I can now understand why a man's cock is his most prized possession and the one he honestly wants to talk about the most, even though he doesn't.
Not only am I getting good length but the width and girth is great. I could not be more happier with my cock. I am damn proud of it and I have never been more sexually satisfied up till now. I havent used it much with another person yet, but I want the first woman I have intercourse with to be special. It will be almost like I am losing my virginity all over again and I can't wait. I all ready know what intercourse feels like with my cock. I invented a smaller version of a male "pocket pussy" to fuck. It feels so good. I definitely know why straight guys crave pussy because that warm, soft, wet feeling inside the woman that you love has got to be the best drug on the planet (besides the all pervasive love of divine mother and the god within of course).
I have to be very careful and selective about who I sleep with. Right now there is not a condom that will fit on my cock, only because it is still attached to the labia. There are other coverings I can use but the safety of them in protecting me from STD's is in question. Someday I hope to invent all kinds of products for the Transgendered Male. I have all ready invented a pocket pussy and a stand to pee device, both are being developed for production as I write this.
I feel so much better as a male. I was born transgendered and this is the second lifetime in a row I was born this way, but that is another story for another post on another day.
peace-
michael sigfried
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Growth of my penis.
For those that do not know, when you take testosterone what was once a clitoris becomes a small sized penis. If you look at the head of a clitoris, you can see that it looks like the head of a penis. This is because when we are in our mothers fetus and our sex is chosen, a male will grow a penis and the female will have their penis stay the same size and become a clitoris.
The clitoris is the only organ on any human being that is specifically for sexual pleasure. A biological male's penis is not just for orgasm, it is also used for urination and reproduction.
I always had a big clitoris, it was always my sexual claim to fame. I had always wanted it to be a little bit bigger so I could stoke it and jack it off. Before testosterone I could not stroke it, but now is a different story.
An FTM's penis grows over a period of several years of taking hormones. Some get really big, some do not. It all depends on the size of the clit to start with and how their body reacts to the testosterone. I have to admit for only being on testosterone for 10 months, my dick or dicklit is huge. It is bigger than some guys that have been on testosterone for 11 years and it will only get bigger. I am looking forward to a good sized small penis that can penetrate if only a little bit.
My dick is so big that I can now stroke it and "jack it off". It feels amazing because it acts and reacts like a penis, but has the stamina of a clitoris. It is only for sexual gratification and it can go a long way a long time. Now I know that some people might be embarrassed about this blog post, but it is time we stopped treated sex taboo and explored being open and honest about it. We all have a lot of healing to do when it comes down to our sexual energies. We have abused it and it has been abused countless times for some people.
I feel so amazing. Even though I still have PTSD and a trunk full of issues, I feel 90 percent better than I did a year ago. I look 100 percent better. As soon as I get a recent picture of myself I will post it. I have lost a lot of weight. My waist is now a 36 again, with 34 being my normal size. My face keeps changing and I have to admit I look better and younger than most other transguys my age. I look like a hot 25 year old male. When I get my top surgery, I swear I will look like a male model.
Even without the top surgery I still pass, more and more each day. Where now unless I say please let me in the female bathroom, I automatically get let into the male bathroom. I think this is pretty damn cool.
Anyway I know there are some of you out there that are really interested to see what my penis looks like. So I uploaded 5 recent pictures for you to download in zip format.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/qwzisy
These are pictures of it semi hard, sticking out of my army shorts. They are not too graphic and you cant see the whole enchilada. Let me know what you think if you look at them. It is a little bit bigger than what you can see in these pictures. I just did not want it to seem to graphic and give away all my secrets. I am not embarrassed at all. I love my little cock, it really rules!
The clitoris is the only organ on any human being that is specifically for sexual pleasure. A biological male's penis is not just for orgasm, it is also used for urination and reproduction.
I always had a big clitoris, it was always my sexual claim to fame. I had always wanted it to be a little bit bigger so I could stoke it and jack it off. Before testosterone I could not stroke it, but now is a different story.
An FTM's penis grows over a period of several years of taking hormones. Some get really big, some do not. It all depends on the size of the clit to start with and how their body reacts to the testosterone. I have to admit for only being on testosterone for 10 months, my dick or dicklit is huge. It is bigger than some guys that have been on testosterone for 11 years and it will only get bigger. I am looking forward to a good sized small penis that can penetrate if only a little bit.
My dick is so big that I can now stroke it and "jack it off". It feels amazing because it acts and reacts like a penis, but has the stamina of a clitoris. It is only for sexual gratification and it can go a long way a long time. Now I know that some people might be embarrassed about this blog post, but it is time we stopped treated sex taboo and explored being open and honest about it. We all have a lot of healing to do when it comes down to our sexual energies. We have abused it and it has been abused countless times for some people.
I feel so amazing. Even though I still have PTSD and a trunk full of issues, I feel 90 percent better than I did a year ago. I look 100 percent better. As soon as I get a recent picture of myself I will post it. I have lost a lot of weight. My waist is now a 36 again, with 34 being my normal size. My face keeps changing and I have to admit I look better and younger than most other transguys my age. I look like a hot 25 year old male. When I get my top surgery, I swear I will look like a male model.
Even without the top surgery I still pass, more and more each day. Where now unless I say please let me in the female bathroom, I automatically get let into the male bathroom. I think this is pretty damn cool.
Anyway I know there are some of you out there that are really interested to see what my penis looks like. So I uploaded 5 recent pictures for you to download in zip format.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/qwzisy
These are pictures of it semi hard, sticking out of my army shorts. They are not too graphic and you cant see the whole enchilada. Let me know what you think if you look at them. It is a little bit bigger than what you can see in these pictures. I just did not want it to seem to graphic and give away all my secrets. I am not embarrassed at all. I love my little cock, it really rules!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and brain damage.
So for the past few weeks I have been suffering from my PTSD really bad. Not only have I been unusually depressed but for the first time since I started taking testosterone I was terribly suicidal last week.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Being Transgendered 3 part video series
Being Transgendered, a 3 part video series where I talk about what being transgendered is like for me. Series is 21 minutes long, broken up into 7 minute parts.
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBQ66bxRXdY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR2_fXQdPR8
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBQ66bxRXdY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR2_fXQdPR8
I thought things would change.
Even though I started my transition at 36 and I feel a lot better and more normal with the correct amount and type of hormones, the mistakes I made in the past because of being transgendered and not understanding it will NEVER go away.
I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.
I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.
I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.
I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Being Transgendered Part 1
Part 1 of a 3 video series I made explaining why I am who I am. Please watch and share to those that may be interested. To leave a comment on the video, please go to this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Saturday, June 6, 2009
7 months.
It has now been 7 months since I started T and I have yet to get any bad side effects. As a matter of fact the testosterone has seem to calm me down instead of amp me up. It is having the same calming, self assured effect on me that heroin did. I truly believe I am different in a lot ways. Having a almost non existent estrogen level to begin with and a high testosterone level is making my transition a lot easier.
My voice has definitely changed and I lost my high pitched yell that has been so common in 100's of hardcore and punk shows. But I noticed my singing voice sounds awesome. Crisp, clear and loud! I am sure it still is in the process of changing but now when I go out many people mistake me for a male right away and dont believe me that my name is Kimberly. An elderly lady freaked out in me in the grocery store bathroom. She thought I belonged in the male bathroom. I just laughed and took a piss.
With my binder on almost everyone that doesn't know me assumes I am male. My face has changed and squared off and my voice is deeper. When I just wear a bra, only some people assume I am male. My chest is pretty big. I definitely look good. The hair on my face, legs and arms is thicker. I have shaved my face everyday since 2001 because of my high testosterone level I had a lot of facial hair. So I all ready shave everyday so the growth on my face isnt something shocking. I am not a beard guy anyway.
I also noticed that other males pick up on my testosterone and sometimes want to fight me. This has happened 3 times in the past months. Some dude will start with me in a store or just out and about. usually it was nothing I did directly. When I was just a female, this never happened. No guy would really want to fight a girl unless they had a good reason. Its funny how we project our hormones onto each other. Weird how males get testy around each other. It is very interesting changing sexes. I think people like me know more about the way things are then most people. I could be wrong but we definitely have a special perspective on life.
I am definitely a lot happier finally being able to cure my dis-ease. I still have a way to go yet. i am grateful for the opportunity. I would have done this two years ago but being on TV made me delay my decision.
My voice has definitely changed and I lost my high pitched yell that has been so common in 100's of hardcore and punk shows. But I noticed my singing voice sounds awesome. Crisp, clear and loud! I am sure it still is in the process of changing but now when I go out many people mistake me for a male right away and dont believe me that my name is Kimberly. An elderly lady freaked out in me in the grocery store bathroom. She thought I belonged in the male bathroom. I just laughed and took a piss.
With my binder on almost everyone that doesn't know me assumes I am male. My face has changed and squared off and my voice is deeper. When I just wear a bra, only some people assume I am male. My chest is pretty big. I definitely look good. The hair on my face, legs and arms is thicker. I have shaved my face everyday since 2001 because of my high testosterone level I had a lot of facial hair. So I all ready shave everyday so the growth on my face isnt something shocking. I am not a beard guy anyway.
I also noticed that other males pick up on my testosterone and sometimes want to fight me. This has happened 3 times in the past months. Some dude will start with me in a store or just out and about. usually it was nothing I did directly. When I was just a female, this never happened. No guy would really want to fight a girl unless they had a good reason. Its funny how we project our hormones onto each other. Weird how males get testy around each other. It is very interesting changing sexes. I think people like me know more about the way things are then most people. I could be wrong but we definitely have a special perspective on life.
I am definitely a lot happier finally being able to cure my dis-ease. I still have a way to go yet. i am grateful for the opportunity. I would have done this two years ago but being on TV made me delay my decision.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Finally an Update!
Well it has been 4 and a half months since I started taking Testosterone. I feel great. I am slowly becoming more confident and feel a little bit better socially. Having the correct amount of hormones is very important for everyone. When they get out of whack, it gets harder to function normally as a part of society. I have suffered my whole life because of my extreme hormonal imbalance that went undiagnosed for years. Being transgendered is something that you cannot help. It is a Dis-Ease that needs to be treated. If only I could have been honest about my problem and got treatment 18 years ago, I probably would not have made the same mistakes and I definitely would not have become a drug addict.
Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.
But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.
The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.
The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.
My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.
In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.
I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.
thanks for reading.
Mikethepunk
Testosterone makes me feel like heroin made me feel, more complete, confident and more in my body. I now know why I loved heroin so much, it took away my estrogen which in turn took away my period and made me feel better about myself. Ever since I was about 9 I wanted a sex change. It was always my biggest secret for over 20 years. It was not until a few years ago did I finally admit to myself what the problem was. But back then there was not widespread knowledge on transgendered people and their treatments. At 13 I did not think it was ever possible to get a sex change. I knew men could do it but I didn't think women could change into men. It was not until I moved to Seattle that I learned about the treatment and what it does. I am going to be very happy with the future results of the treatment. Taking testosterone makes me feel a lot better about myself.
But without top surgery I cannot move forward as a male. My breasts have always been a huge source of pain for me. I have even thought about cutting them myself many, many times and just as recently as a year ago. Since I accepted being transgendered I know now that it is only a matter of time before I can afford chest reconstruction. I cannot live without it. It is going to take a miracle for me to get the money anytime soon. I only collect 650 dollars a month for my PTSD disability and it is near impossible to save money on that. It would also take a miracle for my state insurance to pay for it. The USA is very fascist when it comes to transgendered care. The govt does not care about us. There is no help from them. The surgery will cost any where from 2000-8000 dollars. My breasts are DD so I want to make sure I go to someone good for the reconstruction. My freedom arrives the day after this procedure. It is very important. I cannot function without it and there is no way I could ever fix my PTSD without it.
The testosterone has given me almost no bad side effects. Mostly because I all ready have no estrogen and the T doesnt have to fight the E. I have no acne, even though I had bad acne growing up. My Trans Doctor, who is also an FTM, said I most likely had too much acne as a kid because I had too much estrogen. I was born transgendered and even my mom would admit it if asked.
The Testosterone makes me feel really good. The hair on my face is slowly getting thicker. I all ready shave everyday and have since 2001 on account of a very high Testosterone level and almost no estrogen. Soon it will be a regularly thick just like a bio-males. I am stronger and I have more energy. My sex drive has doubled. It was all ready high but now it is higher. My face is starting to square off and so are my hips. I gained some muscle but lost some fat. I still have about 50 pounds to lose in order to be at the weight I want. In a year or so I will look completely different. I all ready look a little bit different. When I get chest reconstruction, no one is going to be able to tell I am not a biological male with my clothes on.
My clitoris has gained a lot of width and some length. Masturbation is incredible. My clit all ready feels like a small cock. It has literally quadrupled in size. That means it is 4-times the size it was 5 months ago. Many FTM's have commented on how big I am for 4 months on Testosterone. I have posted some pictures on an FTM website. In 4 years I am anticipating a very big dicklet, which is what my little cock is called, it is the word clitoris and dick together. A dicklet is incredible. You would be surprised how big some of them are without any surgery. I am not planning on getting any bottom surgery. My dicklet will big enough without any. But depending on my growth, I might get it released from the labia. But only time will tell.
In a few years I will be a totally different person on the outside and inside. I will look like a very handsome, hot young guy. You will not be able to tell I was ever female, even my chest will look like a guys and I can walk around without a shirt. Only my scars can give it away, but only if people know what FTM scars look like. Most people dont.
I feel so much better and this is just the beginning. I have to admit I am a little inpatient. But once I get my top surgery I will be very close to where i want to be. Being comfortable in your body is very important. I just took my Testosterone shot yesterday, the next time I do it I am going to tape it and post it up here so you can see how it is done. I will also post some pictures soon.
thanks for reading.
Mikethepunk
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