Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I thought things would change.

Even though I started my transition at 36 and I feel a lot better and more normal with the correct amount and type of hormones, the mistakes I made in the past because of being transgendered and not understanding it will NEVER go away.

I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.

I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.

1 comment:

STEVE said...

You can get through this shit. Don't let the ptsd get you down. I want you around as my friend forever!