So for the past few weeks I have been suffering from my PTSD really bad. Not only have I been unusually depressed but for the first time since I started taking testosterone I was terribly suicidal last week.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.