For those that do not know, when you take testosterone what was once a clitoris becomes a small sized penis. If you look at the head of a clitoris, you can see that it looks like the head of a penis. This is because when we are in our mothers fetus and our sex is chosen, a male will grow a penis and the female will have their penis stay the same size and become a clitoris.
The clitoris is the only organ on any human being that is specifically for sexual pleasure. A biological male's penis is not just for orgasm, it is also used for urination and reproduction.
I always had a big clitoris, it was always my sexual claim to fame. I had always wanted it to be a little bit bigger so I could stoke it and jack it off. Before testosterone I could not stroke it, but now is a different story.
An FTM's penis grows over a period of several years of taking hormones. Some get really big, some do not. It all depends on the size of the clit to start with and how their body reacts to the testosterone. I have to admit for only being on testosterone for 10 months, my dick or dicklit is huge. It is bigger than some guys that have been on testosterone for 11 years and it will only get bigger. I am looking forward to a good sized small penis that can penetrate if only a little bit.
My dick is so big that I can now stroke it and "jack it off". It feels amazing because it acts and reacts like a penis, but has the stamina of a clitoris. It is only for sexual gratification and it can go a long way a long time. Now I know that some people might be embarrassed about this blog post, but it is time we stopped treated sex taboo and explored being open and honest about it. We all have a lot of healing to do when it comes down to our sexual energies. We have abused it and it has been abused countless times for some people.
I feel so amazing. Even though I still have PTSD and a trunk full of issues, I feel 90 percent better than I did a year ago. I look 100 percent better. As soon as I get a recent picture of myself I will post it. I have lost a lot of weight. My waist is now a 36 again, with 34 being my normal size. My face keeps changing and I have to admit I look better and younger than most other transguys my age. I look like a hot 25 year old male. When I get my top surgery, I swear I will look like a male model.
Even without the top surgery I still pass, more and more each day. Where now unless I say please let me in the female bathroom, I automatically get let into the male bathroom. I think this is pretty damn cool.
Anyway I know there are some of you out there that are really interested to see what my penis looks like. So I uploaded 5 recent pictures for you to download in zip format.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/qwzisy
These are pictures of it semi hard, sticking out of my army shorts. They are not too graphic and you cant see the whole enchilada. Let me know what you think if you look at them. It is a little bit bigger than what you can see in these pictures. I just did not want it to seem to graphic and give away all my secrets. I am not embarrassed at all. I love my little cock, it really rules!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and brain damage.
So for the past few weeks I have been suffering from my PTSD really bad. Not only have I been unusually depressed but for the first time since I started taking testosterone I was terribly suicidal last week.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.
Even though I have been working on healing my past for 16 years, there are things that I cannot get over. These memories and thoughts that I still suffer from are something that I cannot control anymore. This pain created my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has now rewired my brain, much like heroin did many years ago. This pain and these events I carry have damaged my brain. Once you suffer from an event for over a long period of time your brain rewires itself to constantly play out these events in your head, like some sort of movie. It is now something that I cannot help.
For the past 2 weeks I felt like I was dropped into the darkness, as if the past 10 years of therapy, etc. never happened. It was if everything had changed over night. I have a feeling that my brain changed drastically all of a sudden, even though it has been coming for many years.
Picture lighting bolts of energy going through a brain, changing it, activating certain parts of it. This is what has happened and is happening. All of a sudden I feel as if these painful memories and events are just never going to go away. I did not feel like this before, even though I was suffering from it almost on a daily basis. It is now completely clear to me that the PTSD I am suffering from in this lifetime, is DEFINITELY because of what happened to me in New York City in 1993/94, what happened in CT after in 1994/95 and the events in both places during the years 1996 and 1997. The terrible thing is that none of these events were physically traumatic (except for maybe the heroin), they were emotionally and personally traumatic. But they were so painful that it manifested itself as if I had been raped or in a kidnapping situation or something.
The amount of love you have for a person, place or thing can manifest itself as the same amount of pain. I knew I had great love for a certain person, a certain place and both things together. This great love ended up creating great pain because of my transgenderism and not understanding it. Without a doubt being transgendered played a part in these events and in my PTSD now, but the brain damage I have now is because of the events surrounding one certain person, one certain place and a series of painful memories. These memories did not use to be just straight up pain. But over the years because I never got over them, it turned to pain, because I still have great love for this person, this place and these things. The pain stayed because no matter what I did, I just could not get over it and it is not like I haven't tried, because I have, more than most people, been working on myself, going to therapy and changing habits. This is where the brain damage comes in.
It would take a miracle for my brain to heal itself from what one person did and how I REACTED to one said person. It does not seem fair-AT ALL. Why should I have to still suffer because of one person? Well like they say it takes two to tango and because this person WAS raped more than once, WAS kidnapped/held hostage and had many traumatic experiences before we even met in 1993, subtlety her damage was laid off on me. I was the emotional whipping boy for all those that hurt her before I even came along. I dont even think she meant to do it most of the time, but she was so damaged emotionally and physically that there was no way it wasn't going to effect me because I had great love for her but was too fucked up to give it to her like she needed. I have to admit if it wasnt for my inability to express my love and sexual needs, it might have healed some major parts of her. Instead I just added more damage, even though I did not mean too. Even though it was my own damage that created more damage for her, none of this is any of our faults. I could not help being fucked up over being transgendered and she could not help being fucked up over her past.
But I am the only one in the situation that cares, that went to therapy, that did the work within. There is no way if she had gone to counseling/therapy that I would be in the situation I am in today with these memories. But I cant change that. I cant change her, I can only hope that one day she will have the courage to be honest with not only me but herself. Growing up I think she learned that people damaging each other is what is done, is the way the world is, but any HUMAN knows that this is not the way it is suppose to be. Even though my parents were dysfunctional emotionally too, I grew up knowing that the world was in chaos, that the way people treated each other, that they way we treat ourselves, is not the way it is suppose to be. We are all in pain over this because the changeless truth inside of us all is that we are are ALL LOVE and ALL ONE. We all have great love for each other but have been taught not to show it, we have been taught to hate. This is where the New World Order, which is really the Old World Order comes in. We have been taught to hate each other on purpose so that they can keep control of not just us, but the world. But as much as I want too, I cannot wake this person up. I cannot get her to reawaken to the truth inside of her. No matter how hard I want to from a distance I just cannot do it.
If she would wake up from this painful sleep she is in, then maybe my brain could start to heal itself. All it would take is some honesty on her part, a few simple words of TRUTH. I am a pretty simple man to please. But it is much easier for her to tell me these things that she needs to tell me telepathically and in spirit than in person, or through a letter because then she doesnt have to do the work on herself, she doesnt have to have the emotional courage that it takes to be honest with herself and me.
We are both cowardly in the same way, but I worked on it, she didnt. Our telepathic communication that we have had since 1993 makes it even worse, you have no idea. I need to hear it in person or through a letter, because all this in spirit crap is doing is fucking me up more. It makes it as though I am all ready dead. But I am not dead I am alive.
My biggest fear is carrying this pain into my next lifetime. As it looks right now with the way PTSD works, my brain is not going to let me get over it and there is NO medication that can help. The only medication that helped me and helps my PTSD is heroin or morphine or any other opiate and the way society is now I can never have what will help me function normally. It is so NOT FAIR. So for now I have to work so hard on not letting my pain over come me. It is not easy because my brain is rewired to play it over and over. The more successful I become artistically, the harder things get emotionally. It is as if all the therapy I had did not stop my brain from finally being damaged from these memories.
I want to thank my counselor for being honest with me about what is happening to my brain because she was right. All of a sudden I did not have control over these painful memories anymore. We also explored medication but I have all ready tried everything they will prescribe, none of them worked, none of them. they just made me a zombie and suicidal. The psychiatrist I see once a year told me that heroin was the best thing for my issues, better than any pill he can prescribe and he was sorry he could not just prescribe me low doses of morphine. I am sorry too but I would rather heal instead of medicate, which I have been trying to do anyway. At least I get an E for Effort.
It is painfully honest to me now that until this person takes responsibility for her part in what happened between us, until she can be honest with me in body about how she felt and how she feels, then I am just going to suffer. It is all because me and her soul go deeper than dirt and I mean deeper than dirt. It is not fair. This is not what I signed on for. Things went terribly wrong and I am suffering enough for both parties. Unfortunately we are taught in this society that if you are successful in business and have money then you have no problems. This is NOT TRUE. A person can hide behind their success, fame or money for only so long until it catches up with them and destroys things. Just ask Heath Ledger, Anna Nicole Smith, DJ AM and the countless other rich, successful people that over-dosed or died from the internal pressure of not being successful with yourself on the inside. It ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS will come back and press your internal self destruct button. No matter how successful, rich or famous you are, you cannot hide from yourself, your karma/reactions and memories. It is more important to be at peace with yourself, your loved ones and the world than be rich and famous. Perhaps if I didnt care about myself I would all ready be super wealthy and super famous because BELIEVE me I have had some big opportunities that I passed over because I was not right with myself and that was more important to me than success.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Being Transgendered 3 part video series
Being Transgendered, a 3 part video series where I talk about what being transgendered is like for me. Series is 21 minutes long, broken up into 7 minute parts.
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBQ66bxRXdY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR2_fXQdPR8
Part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
Part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBQ66bxRXdY
Part 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VR2_fXQdPR8
I thought things would change.
Even though I started my transition at 36 and I feel a lot better and more normal with the correct amount and type of hormones, the mistakes I made in the past because of being transgendered and not understanding it will NEVER go away.
I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.
I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.
I thought that transitioning would help me love and forgive myself, but it hasnt. In a way it has made it worse because I feel good now and if I had only had the courage or the strength to accept myself sooner, the mistakes I made with the person I have been in love with for 16 years might not have happened.
I am still a broken person, even transitioned. I need top surgery really bad because my breasts are huge and have always been a huge source of pain and embarrassment, but I do not have the money or the means to save for it being on disability for my PTSD. I can only hope that I will feel better after surgery. Even though I KNEW that transitioning would not help or fix all my problems, I thought at least I would feel better about things, but I dont. I thought my suicidal thoughts would go away, but they havent.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Being Transgendered Part 1
Part 1 of a 3 video series I made explaining why I am who I am. Please watch and share to those that may be interested. To leave a comment on the video, please go to this link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DG_-tDdVaXQ
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